Thursday, November 29, 2007

VS: Trisha and Parisa

I'm making an executive decision. I was going to write a review of the new Coen bros movie, No Country for Old Men, but that has been put aside until Friday or Saturday for this imperative issue. Real World: Australia. Trisha vs. Parisa.

In what has been one of the worst Real World's ever, where the cast is the dumbest in history, people are abruptly leaving the show every other episode, and no one really learns anything from each other. There is this vibe every year for the past 3-5 seasons that you can never imagine these people being friends after the show is over because of how they acted towards each other in the house, but with this Australia cast, you really get a sense it could happen. To my count there have been two positives about this season. Isaac staking claim as the coolest guy ever on The Real World and Kelly Anne's posterior. Now there is a third. The decision of Parisa to kick Trisha off the show for pushing her.

For those of you who are unaware of what happened, I'd love to catch you up using a video clip, but unfortunately MTV locks every Real World clip ever in a vault, thus leaving none on YouTube. Here's a link to the whole episode, you can fast forward if you want. So here's a brief description. Parisa and Trisha have hated each other all season, Parisa accused Trisha of not caring about her parents after Trisha bitched at Parisa for using the phone to talk to her parents. Anyway, Trisha storms over, shoves Parisa...forward to house meeting, and against the remaining girls' wishes, Parisa sends Trisha home.

That's the short of it, and from here on out I'm going to proceed as if everyone knows what has been going on, for the sake of the article.

Anyway, this feud is epic not because someone was sent home, but because Trisha and Parisa are so different that when forced to pick a side, you're really showing a lot of yourself.

From the beginning of the season I thought Parisa was unfairly ostracized by her ditsier female roommates, including Trisha. However, as the season progressed, it became abundantly clear that Parisa sort of causes her isolation. She is definitely socially awkward and certainly thinks too highly of herself.

With Trisha, you know what you got from the beginning. She's a superficial, manipulative person that hides her foibles behind her boyfriend (who she cheats on) and her religion (which she uses as an excuse for her actions). An overall terrible person inside, but personality-wise she is outgoing and tends to establish dominance among other females to get friends.

They're so totally opposite ends of the spectrum, that if you're looking from the other side you have equal reason to hate both of them.

There really is no way you can make a decision and be completely happy with the side that you're on. Are you going to support the superficial bitch or the humorless curmudgeon? When it comes down to it, it really is just picking between two miserable people.

Personally, what makes this decision even more difficult is that Parisa actually kicked Trisha off. She could have taken the high road, tried to mend some fences with other roommates, and have tremendous "hand" over Trisha for the rest of their lives. Instead Parisa took the low road, said, "I don't like this girl," and sent her on her way. By all means Parisa had every right, as dictated by the MTV rules, to do so, but to actually take away this once in a lifetime opportunity from a person for a slight and I mean slight push seems to be a little extreme.

It's not like when Danny got absolutely destroyed by that 6'9 guy in the street fight during Real World: Austin. Which is still to this day the most hellish blow ever landed in reality TV history.


Oh, wait, MTV is a tight ass about their precious Real World clips.

If it were up to me, I would have let Trisha stay in an apparently "high road" move, only to subvert that over the next two months by making comments like, "Just remember, I could have sent you home, whore." Either that or I would have created some Saw type scenario and made Trisha prove how much she wanted to be in the house. Like have her dig the house key out of Aneesa's colon before a timer goes off sending an enraged Wes/Abe at her swinging Timmy like a baseball bat. Or she could just make out with Colie for 5 mins, subjecting Trisha to every STD that Colie has contracted since Real World: Denver.

Alas now, Trisha can come off as a pity party candidate for having to leave the show even though it is her own doing and bitchiness that caused this whole chain of events in the first place.

In the end, I'm more anti-superficial/thinks they deserve everything/manipulative/uppity bitch than anti-boring/awkward/humorless/stick-up-their-ass bitch, so I'm siding with Parisa.

It will be interesting to see what will happen to Parisa as a result of this, but somehow I'm sure things will work out.

Although, I can't wait for Parisa v. Trisha in the first elimination of the new RR/RW Gauntlet-Inferno-Battle of the Sexes-Whatever the next show is. That's gonna be intense.

So, there is the decision that must be made. What side do you choose? Would you have kicked Trisha out? What does who you pick say about you?

Monday, November 26, 2007

Getting 405

Rocking 405 with J Hemp on the spot. Warning: There is profanity.

The Gym Rules 2008 Edition

In honor of me getting 405 lbs. I've decided to re-run one of my favorite articles from the Myspace site. These are the gym rules. I've written a bunch of standards that people who frequent the gym should adhere to. I've added some pictures and some new rules. So enjoy it (in honor of me).

I've been going to gyms long enough to notice and understand certain nuances of gym life. While some are more obvious than others, they are all rules that should be understood in order to have a fulfilling, and more importantly, embarrassment free gym experience. So it is with that knowledge that I impart on you The Official Gym Rules or How Not to Make an Ass Out of Yourself and Earn the Resentment of People Who Know What They're Doing.


Women- 1. Don't sweat

This part of the Gym Rules isn't that difficult because women typically know how to dress anyway, and this discretion extends to the gym as well. The main objective for a woman is to essentially not sweat. Now, I'm not saying that women can't perspire at all, it is a gym, and you are working out, but one should do their best to hide any sweat stains or excess liquid buildup. When sweat does occur, bring a towel.

2. It's not a fashion show

Don't show up in the gym in Abercrombie track suit and a Von Dutch baseball cap, OK? Throw on sweats and a decent t-shirt and work out. You're outfit for the gym should not cost more than $20 (not including shoes). No one is impressed at your fashion sense at the gym. The idea is comfort at the gym, and if I think you look uncomfortable at the gym, then odds are YOU are uncomfortable at the gym.

And don't even get me started with the girls that wear makeup to the gym, it's probably the most moronic thing ever.

3. Don't be a bag lady

With all that being said, this doesn't mean show up to the gym looking like a mess. As I said before, girls know how to dress. You can work with what you have and maintain a certain appeal while still fulfilling the prior rules. Hair should be properly maintained, and the world of women's athletic apparel is booming, providing an abundance of useful, yet fashionable attire to wear at the gym.


Just as a side note, since I am a man, I will have much more in-depth rules for the guys.

1. You're not protecting any house

This is in reference to the Under Armour wearers out there (specifically the tight Under Armour, not the loose t-shirts or whatever). This isn't football, and you're not getting hyped up in the locker room to come out and lift. Under Armour is to remove sweat from your body and keep everything tight. While some may prefer this when they do lift, the only purpose is that the tight fabric may help in the lifting process (i.e. on bench press). However, if this is the case, then just throw a shirt on over the Under Armour.

You're not Charles Bronson, and you can't walk around with a semi-defined upper body and pull off Under Armour. It just doesn't work that way. You're trying way to hard to be like, "Hey check my pecs out." And let me tell you, if you are doing this, then odds are you're just embarrassing yourself.

NOTE: All the rules for men are waived if you are in the upper 98 percentile of male lifters. When you're big enough that every one's reaction to you is "holy shit", and you can't go anywhere without some girl telling you you're "too big" then you can do whatever the hell you want. Lift in a sundress for all I care. I have only seen two guys that meet these standards:

The first was a professional weight lifter whose forearms were bigger than my thighs, and he skull crushed 315 lbs. The second was a gigantic guy given the nickname Tyson (because he looks like Mike Tyson) only the fact that he was 6 foot 1. He could bench over 600 lbs and he did lunges outside in the parking lot with 225 lbs across his back. Oh, and when he failed to get 585 lbs at a bench contest, he went outside my gym and punched a whole through a wall. This wasn't plaster, this was the OUTSIDE of a gym. So if you think you can do that, then you can get away with murder at the gym.

2. You're not Tara Reid

Yes, this is for guys. Meaning that under no circumstances should your nipple ever slip out of your shirt. Cut off sleeves are fine. It frees up certain encumbrances, and it helps keep you cool if it is hot. Regardless of your arm size or whatever, everyone can wear cut offs.

However! When one is cutting said sleeves from said shirt, one must never extend the cut below 1 inch. At this point the arm hole expands and stretches revealing any number of things from rib cage to the always disgusting nipple. There's no need to see another man's nipple, nor should you want to show it off. Keep the cut offs respectable.

3. Damnit, woman! Where's my dinner?

Don't wear wife beaters to the gym. Always a bad idea. Not only are they thin and white, but they show off far too much on nearly every guy. The thinness and the whiteness are exposed when sweat happens and the beater attaches to your body (not good). Also, for a beater to work at a gym, you need everything to be huge, from your arms, to your back, to your shoulders. Very few people have this.

So help me God if you're one of those skinny thug kids that show up with the baggy wife beater and HUGE sweatpants, that's the worst. You make yourself look like a fetus.

Just opt for beaters more respectable cousin, the tank top. Tank tops have color and are much stronger fabric wise. They tend to cover up more, and there is no reason that everyone can't enjoy a tank top.

4. No shoes, PROBLEM

Don't be Joe Cool and lift with sandals or even worse no shoes. You need sneakers at the gym. No one wants to see sweaty feet at the gym. Nor do they want to deal with someone so grungy that they feel they can expose their feet at a gym of all places. Where else have those feet been? No one wants to deal with that.

5. Gloves

Long shunned by lifters as a sign of weakness, gloves have gotten a bad rap. Gloves are fine because they can help grip for people who need that. Also, they are a protective from turning your hands into calloused freak show exhibits. Trust me, it's not pretty if you've been lifting for a while. I am a proud glove user and have baby soft hands to attest to it.

With that being said, if you do choose to wear gloves, then get ACTUAL lifting gloves. They range from like $10-$30 bucks so it's not a big deal. Don't show up with gardening gloves, or batting gloves, or winter gloves. It just looks foolish.

6. So...much...sweat! Where to put it?

Don't wear wristbands, headbands, or whatever to the gym. You're not running anywhere, and you're clearly just doing it to look cool.

7. The pants party

This is generally more towards older people, but get some shorts. Don't walk around in biker shorts or WAYYY high running shorts. Look respectable and not like you're trying to win the Tour de France or that you're an NBA player from the 70's. The shorts problem has similar consequences to the nipple problem mentioned earlier, only the outcome would be far, far worse.



1. Put some effort into it

You're working out, it's OK to strain or push yourself. Don't sit there and act like you're reading a book and drinking lemonade on a Spring afternoon. A proper gym workout shouldn't be easy, nor should you be able to sit there in perfect elegance and lift weights. You're not too cool to work out or lift something, so don't act like it.

2. Praise the Lord!

Don't congregate at the gym. Making a group of people take up a large amount of space and talk about nothing is utterly unnecessary.


1. AMEN!

Same for guys. Blabbing for an excess amount of time is unnecessary. While the gym is a much more social environment than some people believe, talking should not do two things:

a) It should not cut into your workout. You can talk, but continue lifting.
b) It shouldn't cause a problem for people around you. I don't want to know what happened to you last night, so keep it to yourself and those you intend to speak with. However, don't be an eavesdropper. Unless the conversation is affecting you in some way, stay out of it.

2. Mirror, Mirror

Don't check yourself out in the mirror. You can walk by, get a quick glance, whatever. Just don't stand there admiring yourself. There's no need for it, and no one likes a narcissist unless his name is Lex Luger.

3. Thirsty much?

Why do people feel the need to walk around with a gallon of water? A gallon?? There's no way you need that much water to drink during a workout. Clearly you're just trying to make yourself seem hard or something.

I saw an Ultimate Fighter who drinks at least a gallon and a half of water a day. That's one day, 24 hours, not during a 1-2 hour workout. His workout consisted of a non-stop hour long lift, moving from machine to machine, increasing weight each time around, and he doesn't need a gallon of water.

4. Heavy weight

Now, some people use big weights at the gym, some don't, but there is one unifying no-no that connects these people. People who drop their weights in the most unnecessary fashion available. Not only do they try to announce how much weight they've done, but also how hard it was to accomplish.

Granted, sometimes you don't have a choice but to drop weights and make a loud noise, however, this is allowed to occur when the weights involved are in an excess of 90 lbs. and they must be dropped from a precarious position.

These weight droppers will release the weight from about waist high, and sometimes they even fling these weights across the room. I work with some heavy weights and the only exercise where I remotely come close to dropping the weights in a loud fashion is on flat bench with dumbbells.

Here's a helpful hint: If the weights bounce or rotate more than once after you put them down, then you're a weight flinger.

5. Was it good for you?

On a similar note, these same type of guys may also let you know that they're doing a large amount of weight by screaming or groaning excessively. These sounds are distracting, and in a gym full of people really weird.

Sometimes, as always, you need to let out a scream, grunt, moan, whatever, but this is a rare occurrence. If you're moaning on more than 2-3 reps, then you're in excess. A grunt comes about when the weight involved is so much that you must verbalize in order to lift said weight. Well, if the weight is so massive that you need to scream, then there's no reason you should be repping that weight more than once or twice.



1. Traffic jam

Do not, for any reason, take a dumbbell off the weight rack and proceed to lift directly in front of the rack. The dumbbell rack is essentially the freeway of a gym. It is a road in which a clear path should always be.

This is pretty much the most violated gym rule, and I hate when people do it. Take your weight and move away from the rack! It's a little extra effort that won't make you look like a dumb ass. There's no reason to be in front of the rack and lifting. There needs to be at least a 2 foot avenue in which people can move freely. This can be used to get or put back weights or move somewhere.

Basically it's like practicing parallel parking in the middle of a freeway.

2. Violating personal space

With each area of the gym, there is an amount of personal space that goes along with it. It is important to always be aware of these areas at all times. Watch where you're going and be sure not to stand around in someones way.

The person you are imposing yourself on could ask you to move, but it's not their responsibility to tell you you're a moron. You should be aware of this. So now you are.

3. It's a germ

Personally, I'm against this whole wipe down your machine deal that some gyms have. I can see why it's there and all, but it's not like I'm getting surgery or dental work done by the treadmills. It's a gym. Spraying down the machines with that cheap soapy spray is annoying for two reasons:

1. It's all about the motions. If you see a person wipe down a machine, you think it's clean, but in actuality, it's not. Honestly, people gently glide the paper towel over these machines, and you think it's made that much of a difference? You'd need to really get in there and scrub hard to legitimately clean that machine.

2. It's not my job. People work at a gym for that reason. I'm there to work out, not be a janitor. Get your employees to clean the machines every now and then.

4. You gonna put those weights back?

Reracking the weights is a big question. For the most part, you have to do it. It doesn't fall into the job category because you remove the weights, so you should put it back. Plus it's not fair to others if you leave weights on and they have to take it off.

My rule goes that you only have to take off as much weight as you started with. Meaning if you go to a bench and there's 135 lbs. on there, then when you're done, you're allowed to leave 135 lbs. That way you negate whatever weight you did. It's sort of an in between.

5. The ocean called...

This goes to the people that bring water bottles to the gym and intend to fill up the entire thing at the water fountain. I understand you may need some water, but to sit there and occupy the water fountain so that you can fill your bottle is unacceptable so long as people are waiting behind you. If people are behind you then fill up a moderate amount and move on. No one wants to wait there for 2 minutes while you hog all the water.

6. It's a good steam

At my new gym there is a sauna which I use once a week to relax. Now, I don't know if this is a generational thing or not, but some guys are way too naked in the sauna. I'm fine if you have a towel on or whatever, but to be completely naked in a small space with other guys is a little odd to me. How can you be comfortable just sitting there, and why would you want to be naked of all things? This even extends to the locker room where guys will just stroll around naked. I mean, it's a locker room, of course there are gonna be naked guys, but some just take way too long to get ready. All of these guys tend to be older, like late 50's early 60's. So either it's a generational thing or old people just don't care about this kind of stuff. Maybe I'm the man on the short end of this opinion, but I feel lots of nakedness in the sauna is no good.

And those are The Official Gym Rules. They are open to be changed and altered at any time, but they provide a solid starting point for gym goers not in the know.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

Testing Your Fanhood

I'm going to the Eagles v. Dolphins game tomorrow. Is it the most exciting game in the world? No. Is there any hype or interest in the game other than having the Eagles win? No. As a matter of fact, the only major area of interest is the hope that the Birds don't lose to an 0-9 team. Sure there's talk that if they win they'll be a game back of the Wild Card, but come on. Unless the Birds beat Pats next week, there is no chance of getting that Wild Card unless the Redskins, Giants, and Lions pull a collective New York Mets and vault the Birds into the playoffs. However, here is my point...I want to go to the game. I will enjoy going to the game. I want the Eagles to win that game. Why? Because I'm a fan.

People, especially in the Philadelphia area, often refer to themselves as fans, but that is not the case. For example, two years ago when the Eagles were an absolute mess I went to the last game of the season against the Redskins. There were probably more 'Skins fans in attendance than Eagles fans. Now, this was an especially disappointing season since there were high hopes for the Birds, but more and more often people only want to be a fan, for any team, when times are good. You don't become a fan by enjoying championships and celebrating wins. Those are your payoffs for being there for the heartbreaking losses and embarrassing defeats. Every time something horrible happens to your sports team you have to be there so you can fully enjoy those truly great moments.

And those moments aren't always championships, but can come anywhere at any time. It's being there and knowing that you truly wanted your team to win above all else.

That is really the ultimate litmus test for being a fan: Will you be there to suffer through the tough times? AND Do you want your team to win at all times?

There is an exception to the second part of the test. Rooting for your team to lose is acceptable when going for a higher draft pick for next year, but ONLY when that top pick is a life altering player, like Greg Oden and Kevin Durant were. Other than that, there really is no excuse to root against your team. Even if you just want them to rebuild or move on, when it comes down to it, can you be happy if they lost? Sure maybe from an outsider standpoint moving on and cutting your losses is the best option, but when that game is over, something just does not feel right about accepting defeat.

Being a true fan is really the most nonsensical thing a human can do. Think about it. From the time you first become a fan, you arbitrarily select a team based upon geographic location, your dad's favorite team, or maybe a team that had a big impact on you during your formative years. That's all that it takes. After that, you root for that team no matter what. You spend thousands of dollars on tickets, merchandise, apparel, travel, along with countless hours watching these teams throughout the year. Hours and hours spent all for little morsels of pleasure and, if you're lucky, a championship or two.

It would make more sense just to have a laid back approach to sports fandom and just enjoy sports as entertainment. Root for the best teams and check in every now and then to see what they're up to, changing your favorite team year to year so as not to be stuck with a loser.

That's not what being a fan is about though. Something inside you makes you adhere some kind of mythological loyalty, on the level of loyalty to your friends and family (maybe even a little more), for seemingly no good reason at all. It makes people take out second mortgages on their home to buy Super Bowl tickets or cry uncontrollably or maybe even act a little out of character.

What being a fan is, is just having a passion for something. Sports pushes those buttons and makes you root, cheer, live, and die with a team you've selected. It is a masochistic (go with the second definition, but I bet there are some people out there that go with the first) process that the more you think about it, the more odd of an entity it becomes. I guess that helps explain when you try to tell your girlfriend about why you like a certain team, she shoots back at you with an "Are you insane" look. And what it boils down to is yes. It is a completely insane approach to life, but it is oh so necessary.

I'll be at the Birds game, rooting for them on Sunday. Whatever team you like, I suggest you do the same. Go Birds!

Gotta support the team...

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Top 5: Guys I'd Wanna Be

In the spirit of Halloween, where children take on the persona's of ghosts, goblins, super heroes, and magical entities, I decided to create a list of a kind of Halloween for guys in their mid-20's. Here's how it's going down. I've compiled a list of the Top 5: Guys I'd Wanna Be. Meaning that as of this instant, I would trade lives with said person.

Now, when compiling this list I had to weigh in a lot of factors. By taking over this person's life, I would inherit everything that goes along with it. The person's personal life, finances, age, public perceptions, and daily pressures. For example, if I picked Alex Rodriguez I'd have a lot of money, but I'd also have the pressure to perform during the baseball season, a horrible public perception of being a total jerk and a selfish ass, and I'd be married to a wife I may or may not cheat on with Canadian strippers. So those are the things you have to weigh out when making these selections. Perhaps when you think about such a list some aspects may be more important to you than not (i.e. public perception, relative anonymity, marriage). Every one's standards are different, but I've compiled this list in respect to my personal preferences. Feel free to do the same for yours.

Just to be clear, whomever you choose, you'd maintain his ability/talent. So if you pick an athlete, singer, actor, whatever you keep his individual talent.

These guys are all worthy candidates, but specific flaws or complications in their lives eliminate them from serious contention.

The Married:

Tony Parker, age 25, Pro Basketball Player

The Good: The French-born Parker plays point guard for the San Antonio Spurs. He won his third NBA Championship last year, also garnering Finals MVP. As a star in the NBA he easily pulls down millions of dollars a year via contract plus any sponsorships he may get.

The Flaw: After winning his 3rd NBA Title, Parker wed Desperate Housewives star Eva Longoria. Sure no one is complaining, but I would need to be unfettered.

Tiger Woods, age 31, Professional Golfer

The Good: Tiger Woods is a global icon. He makes more money than any athlete on the planet and is far and away the best golfer on a putting green now and probably for the next 10 years. He has his golf winnings, multiple endorsements, and the respect and admiration of pretty much any dude on the planet.

The Flaw: The life of a golfer is all consuming and strenuous, so it's good for Tiger to settle down and have some balance in his life. So in late 2004, he wed his one-time nanny, and more importantly one-time Swedish bikini model, Elin Nordegren.

Christian Bale, age 33, Actor

The Good: Christian Bale is probably the most bad ass actor out there today. His versatility and dedication to his roles are legendary and has such great movies under his belt as American Psycho, Equilibrium, Harsh Times, oh and he's Batman. He has the respect of his fellow actors, and he currently tops my list of favorite actors. He is a couple years away from an Oscar and the requisite pay checks will follow. Originally from Wales, he even has an accent.

The Flaw: Bale married Winona Rider's assistant in 2000.

The Old:

Richard Branson, age 57, Entrepreneur

The Good: The self-made British billionaire, Branson, has his hands in many ventures, the most successful being his company, Virgin, he started in 1970. Virgin now encompasses music, airlines, and retail stores.

The Flaw: While Branson lives his life out as a young man, the $7.8 billion he is worth isn't enough for me to want to be 57 years old. That's quite a leap.

Bruce Dickinson, age 49, Musician

The Good: Lead singer for metal god's Iron Maiden, Bruce has rocked sold out arenas around the world since the early 80's. Despite the recent flux towards pop-rock and away from metal, Maiden still remain relevant around the world. Nothing can be cooler than being the lead singer of a rock band in front of thousands of people. He is known as a revolutionary front man, ushering in the operatic rock that Maiden is known for. His solo release, "Chemical Wedding," is also probably the greatest album of all-time.

The Flaw: Despite being fucking awesome, a pilot, world-class fencer, song writer, and of course front man, Bruce may have his best years behind him. Maiden recently announced a World Tour, and he can handle it now, but years to come may only make him shakier.

Jack Nicholson, age 70, Actor

The Good: Nicholson is a Hollywood icon and one of the coolest guys ever. He has tons of awards, all the respect in the world, and is known as not giving a fuck about anything. Known for being kind of a loose cannon, he represents old Hollywood, and there's nothing wrong with being a living legend.

The Flaw: If I had to pick a 70 year-old to be, it'd be him. He still gets the ladies, and has floor seats to the Lakers. Not a bad gig.

The Dads:

Colin Farrell, age 31, Actor

The Good: Farrell has been known to accompany many women to bed, which adds to his rough and tumble persona. He seems to get pretty decent projects thrown his way, working with directors like Terence Malick, Steven Spielberg, and Oliver Stone.

The Flaw: He has a kid wandering around somewhere from a past relationship. Beyond that, a lot of his movies are pretty awful and you have to wonder about his shelf-life longterm.

Brad Pitt, age 43, Actor

The Good: Pitt obviously has a lot of things going for him. One of Hollywood's elite actors, Pitt has a sparkling career and has great movies like Fight Club and Se7en to his name. Pitt recently began branching out in real estate and starting his own production company. Regarded as one of the best looking guys in Hollywood, Pitt is always referenced for his looks as well as his acting. He also ended his marriage with Jennifer Aniston to upgrade to Angelina Jolie. That's some man points right there.

The Flaw: Despite dating one of the hottest women on the planet in Jolie, again not complaining, he has about 15 adopted kid and one of his own. Just too much headache and concern to walk into.

Tom Brady, age 30, Professional Football Player

The Good: The "Golden Boy" was just that, and by all accounts still is. After winning the Super Bowl three times, the former 6th Round pick had the world at his finger tips. Well regarded as the best quarterback in the NFL, along with Peyton Manning, Brady is in the middle of a record setting year on his way to his 4th championship. Privately, he is known for being well-dressed and dating super models and actresses. He recently signed a large contract, and despite many offers, turns down many endorsement dollars. He also has God status in the New England region.

The Flaw: After dumping ex-girlfriend, actress/model, Bridget Moynahan
, things were going as planned for Brady as he moved on to super model Gisele Bundchen. However, Brady soon became a daddy as it turned out Moynahan likely pulled the goalie on the Golden Boy. Some controversy arose, but Brady handled it like a champ and things seem to be fine.

The Just Missed:

Prince Harry of Wales, age 23, Royalty

The Good: There's nothing wrong with walking up to a girl in a bar and going, "Hi, I'm a prince." Plus being second in line the odds are he'll never have to worry about taking the throne, but still gets access to all the goodies.

The Flaw: Being a Prince, his life is constantly under the spotlight, and being the red-headed 2nd son will always be viewed as lower than his older bro, Prince William.

Ryan Gosling, age 26, Actor

The Good: Gosling is THE up and coming actor of the day. He will pretty much have any role he wants in a couple of years, and he has already been nominated for an Oscar. Recently single after ending his relationship with "The Notebook" co-star, Rachel McAdams, Gosling is free to roam about, which shouldn't be hard since "The Notebook" made him an instant favorite to many ladies out there. He maintains a low profile, which is good for living a normal life.

The Flaw: He may not have the most preferable bankroll at this point, making it a bit of a gamble. Plus, he's Canadian.

Lewis Hamilton, age 22, Formula One Driver

The Good: Hamilton burst onto the stage as a F1 phenom. Finishing 2nd in total points after his rookie year, the young Hamilton has what it takes to fill to void left by retired F1 great Michael Schumacher. He gets to drive incredible cars incredibly fast, and I'm sure that goes a long way. As for the money issue, Schumacher was the 2nd highest grossing athlete two years ago behind only Tiger Woods so money won't be a problem.

The Flaw: Could be a bit of a gamble, like Gosling. Hamilton could be the Tiger Woods of racing, leading to an eventual move over to NASCAR, but he could die in a fiery crash. I'm not comfortable going with that.

These are the head honchos. The guys that have pretty much everything going for them. Their flaws are limited, and you'd really have to dig to find something unpleasant about their lives.

5. Derek Jeter, age 33, Professional Baseball Player

The Good: Jeter gets $18 million a year to play shortstop for the New York Yankees. He won 4 World Series titles already, and is constantly referred to for his leadership, ability to win, and baseball skills (though sometimes overrated). Also being the premiere athlete in New York for the past 10 years, Jeter has been rumored to have been with: Mariah Carey, Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Gabrielle Union, Adriana Lima, Jessica Biel, Vanessa Minnillo, and former Miss Universe Lara Dutta. That's a murderer's row right there (clearly he prefers brains over beauty). I view Jeter's dating life like this: He's a gorgeous woman expert (see. wildlife expert) and it is his duty to tag and release these girls back into the wild. It's almost a right of passage for hot women to date Jeter to offically get hot woman status. He also finally won the immortal battle of Who Would You Rather Be: Tom Brady or Derek Jeter? It was close, but Tom's kid gives the win to Jeter.

The Flaw: As I said, Jeter dated all those women, see the past tense...not dat-ING, dat-ED. So that does nothing for me. Also, while he essentially gets a free ride from the New York media for his on-field ability, that soon may end as the Yankees may struggle in the years to come as his skills begin to diminish with age.

4. Prince Albert von Thurn und Taxis, age 23, Royalty

The Good: Prince Al is worth $2 billion from a German family fortune that dates back to the Holy Roman Empire. He is the youngest member of the Forbes Billionaires list, and basically doesn't have to work for the rest of his life. His fortune lies in real estate, art, and tech companies.

The Flaw: He's in Germany. He rules a lot of Germany. I don't wanna be in Germany, and I may have to stay there since it's my hood. If I didn't have to stay there, I'd buy a couple sports teams and hang out.

3. Cristiano Ronaldo, age 22, Professional Footballer (Soccer)

The Good: Cristiano is regarded as one of the top footballers in the world at the young age of 22. Having signed on with English giant, Manchester United, Ronaldo has the spotlight of being the top player on the world's top team. He is under contract until 2010, but after that you can be sure he'll sign one of the biggest contracts in sport. Think of him as the new David Beckham, only with 100x more talent. Also, at a young age Cristiano is constantly in British tabloids that focus on what model he is currently with.

The Flaw: The constant sports pressure of having to perform all the time. While Ronaldo does have respect from a lot of people, there is still a lot of criticism about his whining and poor temper on the pitch. Plus, having it all tends to send a lot of negative energy your way.

2. Justin Timberlake, age 26, Musician

The Good: Coming from 'N SYNC, JT has done the impossible and shed his boy band image to be one of the top music acts in the world. Perfecting his pop, hip-hop mix, Timberlake has earned the respect of musicians from all different kinds of music. He has worked alongside 50 Cent, Timbaland, and T.I. to push his street cred to new levels. Recently, he has begun to branch out into acting and other avenues that will only add to his bankroll. He also is an excellent Saturday Night Live host starring in the legendary "Dick in a Box" song and one of my favorite skits "The Barry Gibb Show." While that is miraculous in itself, what really puts JT at #2 is that since his split from 'N SYNC, the only legitimate poor career move you can pin on him is dating Cameron Diaz for too long! He was with Britney Spears and like a stock broker, sold that stock at its highest peak as her career fell apart and his sky rocketed, then moved onto Cameron Diaz for a few years, and he is now with Jeter ex, Jessica Biel. I say he shouldn't have been with Diaz for so long because he's a young guy, he should be out there, not tied up to an older woman. Even if that woman is Cameron Diaz.

The Flaw: I don't think I could ever move passed the whole boy band thing. It would eat me up inside and probably lead me to a drug overdose.

1. Theo Epstein, age 33, General Manager of the Boston Red Sox

The Good: Theo is the brainchild of the Red Sox. He brought Boston their first World Series in 86 years, and he was the youngest General Manager in professional sports. Recently, he brought yet another championship by holding onto younger talent and not mortgaging the future. Although some of his moves have been suspect, he was man enough to let go of some key players from the 2004 Red Sox team that allowed the Sox to win again this past year. The proof is in the pudding, and Theo just wins. He is young and, like Brady, had God-status. What makes Theo's life most preferable is that he has my dream job, GM of a baseball team, he makes plenty of money, and most importantly of all, he can still live a semi-normal life. Epstein doesn't have the allure of mega-stars like Timberlake, and he will only have to be judged on his moves as GM, something I'm fine with. Also, he is unfettered with no wife or kids. He still has plenty of quality years ahead of him, and eveything is going right for the guy.

The Flaw: None.