Thursday, November 27, 2008

I Wanna Rock

Guns N' Roses released their first album in 15 years. The long awaited "Chinese Democracy" has been in production and at the fingers of GNR frontman Axl Rose since the original line-up disbanded after becoming one of the biggest and most influential rock bands of the 1980s. What GNR was able to do was cross musical borders with a sound that was appealing to fans of metal, rock, pop, and hair bands. Oh yes, the hair bands, one would argue the iconic image of the 80s with their high volume hair and make-up wearing, hair bands grew off of trees at the time because their music made record companies money and there was an easy formula to be successful. Mainly spandex, good looking frontman, musicianship that relied on flair not necessarily talent, and a rocking cheesy single followed by the popular power ballad.







Bands took note (see. Warrant, Poison, Cinderella, Def Leppard, Whitesnake, Slaughter, Motley Crue, Van Halen, Winger, Tesla, Quite Riot, Twisted Sister, White Lion, Ratt). Although some hair bands did make a mark and survive the 80s scene, there are truckloads of completely forgettable bands who sold out to make a buck. So that's what this really is all about, me starting an 80 hair metal band. Now, adhering to the mentality of that 80s emptiness that accompanied the formation of these bands, I'm only worried about two things: the name of the band and our first album. My goal is to find a great 80s hair band name that ties into my debut album title (i.e. Ratt's debut album "Out of the Cellar"). Here are my top 5 band names I came up with.

5. Construction Crew, "Hard Hat"
4. Standardized Test, "Fill in the Circles"


Both funny, but not quite what I was looking for because I don't think any band would actually use these names.

3. Brown Bag, "Out to Lunch"

I get a very Bon Jovi feeling from this name. Kind of a playful group that didn't have the edge of, say, a Motley Crue. The name, Brown Bag, doesn't necessarily rock, but it's not terrible.

2. Shooting Star, "Make a Wish"

Now THAT is an 80s hair band name. Shooting Star is perfect, and the album title is a great tie in. We'd be at least a one hit wonder. Might have to come out like Extreme with the acoustic ballad, show a deep and sensitive side. If someone walked up to me and asked me if I wanted to be in a band called Shooting Star, no way I'm passing up on that.

1. Bareicade, "Halt! If UR Horny"

Ding! Ding! This is the winner, my friends. This has everything I could ask for. First, with a name like that, we're clearly selling at least 8 million albums. We have the sex appeal, probably a drug abusing guitarist to give us edge, and just pump out overly sexual songs with not so subtle innuendos. Being on the road as a member of Bareicade would blow away the life of a Shooting Star-er.

I even have the first two song titles ready to go. The pop single that puts us on the map is going to be called Strip Search. Think Cherry Pie in some sort of cop-themed video where the 1980s version of Scarlett Johansson is slamming the lead singer onto the hood of a cop care in a very sexual way, and the 1980s version of Megan Fox interrogating the lead guitarist, where the bassist and the drummer are on the run from two other girls. Splice in some ridiculous clips of the band playing music and you have a winner.

Then, after we've lived off of that single for a couple of months, we hit em with our power ballad, "A Wall (Be2ween U and My HRT)." This video would be shot in black and white and focus on one girl to show that even the wildest horses can be tamed by the right girl. Despite the overall identity of the band as being man-whores, this ballad will win over ladies and make them think we're sensitive.

The third song, which would be another rocking pop song, would be about drinking and fighting and probably being pleasured by random women frequently. The video would be of the band on tour with lots of live shots to show everyone how awesome our shows are.

Man, living in the 80s would have been awesome. Rock On!

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